About two months ago (jeez how the time flies!), Gioia De
Cari’s “Truth Values: One Girl’s Romp through MIT’s Male Math Maze” was playing
at the Annenberg Center here on Penn’s Campus. Expecting a witty, yet
inspiring, satire on the female experience in the STEM fields, I eagerly
purchased my tickets well in advance and also managed to persuade several of my
female colleagues to join me for the experience. When performance day came, I sat down in my
seat, prepared to be to have my emotions pulled every which way but ultimately
ready to feel empowered as a female pursuing an advanced degree in engineering
by the end of it…
But 75 minutes later, I really had no idea how to feel. And
not particularly in a good way either… It threw me for such a whirl around that
it took me over two months to finally sort out my thoughts about it!
Just to fill you in – “Truth Values” is a one-woman show by
Gioia De Cari about her personal journey through the mathematics PhD program at
MIT. In 75 minutes, she details her struggles from both within the department
and without by acting out in key moments in her life, playing herself and other
colorful characters in each scene. And to be honest, it was an excellent 75
minutes of excellent entertainment – the event was accurately advertised as
filled with “wit and gusto.” However, the event was also said to be
“reminiscent of Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean in,” which I find myself having a more difficult time agreeing
with. While Lean In is also detailed
with personal accounts, the book also, very clearly, sends an empowering
message to women: get out of your own way, believe in yourself, and “lean in”
to your careers, however male-dominated they may be. I contend that “Truth Values”, while well
intentioned, struggled to execute this task.
What isn’t explicitly said in the event description is that
De Cari ultimately decided to leave MIT earlier than anticipated, taking a Master’s
degree instead of the PhD she had initially set out to achieve… and she turns
out to be so very much happier in her secondary interests (i.e. acting and playwriting)
than she ever appeared to be struggling through MIT’s male math maze. Taking
this at first impression, I felt like “Truth Values” was encouraging women to
leave or stay out of the female-unfriendly STEM fields.
Suddenly, I started to feel completely overwhelmed by all
the setbacks I had encountered recently in my graduate school career. I began
to wonder whether I had been right to doubt my decisions to pursue my advanced
degree... and if I had been completely wrong to even embark on the journey in
the first place! What if I, too, had left early with my MS degree, like I had
desperately considered only a few months earlier, in order pursue my secondary,
more enjoyable interests (read: dog walking and creating delicious baked goods……
okay so maybe first, I’d have to rethink those into other more lucrative
secondary interests, ha)?
Weeks of self-doubt ensued, and what perfect timing too, as
I soon had to give my first talk at a national academic conference. Then, less
than a week later, I had to begin prepping my poster talk at a department
symposium that I helped to organize and recruit industry representatives for. My
research hadn’t gone as smoothly as I would have hoped, and I felt so
incredibly foolish to be talking to any audience, let alone one that included
future potential employers, about my seemingly lackluster results.
But then I saw the light.
As I was finishing up one iteration of my poster talk to an
industry rep, he stopped me to say, “Wow, this must have been a ton of work.
Great job, keep it up, and thanks for a great talk.” At first, I was taken
aback, but as I processed his comment, I realized that my research was and continues
to be, in fact, a ton of work. And really, it is an incredibly difficult
problem that I’m trying to address… and you know what? I have done a great job,
especially considering the difficulty and complexity of the problem! Why was I
realizing this only now? It is insane how just a little bit of outside
perspective can knock a ton of sense into you.
Graduate school isn’t
easy stuff. And it’s not supposed to be. Otherwise, why would having a PhD be
impressive at all? But if you’re anything like me, and by that I mean someone
who is constantly comparing herself to others to judge appropriate life progress,
it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture.
So what is the bigger picture?
Graduate school is an individual experience. The people you
encounter along the way – whether they are labmates, advisors, collaborators,
or far off potential employers – they will all influence it in some small or
big personalized way. Some grad students will be lucky enough to have all the
right resources at all the right times, enabling them to speed through
achievements and tangible results. Others will have a slightly harder time
getting all their ducks in a row. In either case, however, students will still
be acquiring new skills, learning not only about solving real-world problems
but also about key insights about themselves that they will use for the rest of
their lives.
Really, the bottom line is that it’s up to the individual
student what they make of the experience.
Gioia De Cari had one (mostly) awful experience at MIT, and
it was her decision to do what she did with it. But that was her experience. And perhaps most
importantly, it was her experience in a very different time. While I’m sure
that not all of the problems she encountered as a female in STEM have been
solved since, I’m also sure that a lot of forward progress has been made in the
nearly 30 years that have gone by. Let’s ask the question - would I have been
so easily commended and encouraged at a departmental showcase 30 years ago? Judging
by De Cari’s depiction of female prejudices in the late 1980s, it is very
possible that the answer is no.
“Truth Values” may not have been obviously inspiring, but it
most definitely sparked necessary dialogue, both inner
and outer, about female issues in the scientific world. And maybe it took me
over two months to get there, but I do feel empowered. “Truth Values” depicted
a world where allies (mentors and friends alike) were hard to find for STEM
females, but this is no longer true. And it’s up to us (you, me, and everyone
else currently in this female math and science boat) to step up and make the
best of it.
Questions for Melissa? email her at awe@seas.upenn.edu
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